It is 1634, and Oliver Cromwell has left England to live in Connecticut.
Republican Grinch, ReduxThe notorious Puritan has long been appalled by the wild and lawless behavior he has already seen in England, celebrating that pagan holiday called Christmas. Indeed, it is all too similar to Halloween, complete with rowdy trick-or-treat raids led by the Lord of Misrule. Boston is already close to banning the Christmas holiday, which it will do in 1659.
This abandoned revelry is one reason why Cromwell rallies his fellow subjects to take control of all the colonies .. thus outlawing Christmas and other sinful practices, such as slavery. His rules became the basis of our American government and have lasted to this day ... despite the influence of all the immigrants who have tried to import the winter celebration.
I need hardly add that only Protestant immigrants are allowed to come here at all .. but even they have been known to ignore the Christmas Ban, so that the police are constantly on the alert for their forbidden celebrations.